Air - keeps diminishing
Ayala - my charming and smart granddaughter, with a discerning gaze, who I want that she remember me
Alone - I wasn’t, since I was diagnosed
Another - week passed
Barak - my first born, love, love, caring, dedication, knowledge, honesty
Beauty - important in life, in everything
Book – read aloud by friends, books that impacted me: “We Will Prevail”, “In the Name of My Family” , “Anna Karenina”, “Mila 18”, "Lady Chatterley’s Lover”, “Crime and Punishment”
Bodily modesty - I lost if two years ago
Close - the Far East got very close, so close as to see me naked in the shower (reference to the Far Eastern caregivers(
Dad - a rock to lean on, love, sense of humor, shaped my personality
Dreams - repeat themselves, sequential, very real, unpleasant
Dishes - beautiful ones at home, important
Dance - most liberating; no legs - independence, were beautiful; could dance weightlessly
Dependency - is awful, but the alternative is much worse
Eyes - good eye sight, observing everything, 360 degrees
Embarrassment - to run to the bomb shelter with the Nepalese and Indian caregivers… to the sound of the Yom Hashoah siren
To eat - a falafel sandwich, in huge bites, to bite into an apple
Friends - all of you! seeking closeness, appreciation, openness, acceptance, help with no expectations of reward
Friendship - a living concept
Gail - my eldest daughter, beauty, a good life, love, help, responsibility, organized, agility
Gugi - the grandson I took care of until he turned two and a half, love, want to touch, dying to get a kiss from him
Giora - my only brother, love, dedication, help, punctuality
Giving up - that which can’t be achieved
Home - the most comfortable and beautiful place I want to stay in
Hadas - youngest daughter, love, beauty, dedication, principles, care, expressing emotions
Heat - July, August, hard to endure
Hands - to touch, to hug, to caress, independence
Here - here and now
Have to - manage to accomplish all that one still can
Hardship - to continue managing a household by two strangers, without a voice, hands, and legs
Hair - no one succeeds in combing my hair the way I like it
Itch - hard to locate, crazy-making, maddening
Lightening - the strike of the disease (ALS)
Laughter - I like laughing, I like people who make me laugh. “Laughter is good for your health.” Really?...
Men - all the time, big love stories, heart aches, crises
Memories - all kinds, some beautiful, some very hard, the first at age 5 (love)
Maddening - to see a small spider running up my bare thigh in the shower, to inform the caregiver by ‘hm hm’ about the impending disaster, and hear her ask “the water is too hot?!” …”to shave the hair?!” …”move your leg to the right?!” … “to the left?” …”to bring the writing board?” …
Marriage - I thought it was meant for me
A missed opportunity - to declare independence (of the State of Israel) four days before I was born
More - a few more good years
Nothing - after death
Noa - my granddaughter with the golden locks, charming, smart, I want her to know me
Outing - fun, everywhere
Obstacle - life is an obstacle course, the disease too
Repulsive - changes with time and circumstances
Religion - I don’t need it to lean on
Rhythm - waltz
Shyness - the main thing that holds me back
Shoshana - my name on my ID card, teachers, administration, strangers, since age 9; Shosh - since age 18 till present; Shoshi, Shoshke - used by some to express love for me through nicknames
Tears - physical and emotional pain, frustration, the pain of others, too often
Tone of voice - quiet, relaxed, radiophonic(?) – look for better word
Tom - my eldest grandson, the one that expresses the most love, that hugs and kisses, who believes in all his heart that a cure will be found that will cure me, and then I’ll cook chicken soup for him, and we will go running in the park
Vertigo - dizziness that I don’t wish for anyone to experience
Voice - missing it when in danger, inability to express an opinion, to explain, to sing
Wastefulness - not to pass on the enormous body of knowledge accumulated in ones brain, before the end
Was - interesting, …I remember, …but not relevant
Women-friends - get up from bed at night to come wipe my tears; get soaked to the bone in the rain while trying to extricate me from a car, and then sit through a performance wet clothes; come by for a visit, if only for a moment, despite a busy schedule; bake a cake for me early in the morning, when her mother is sick, and she just became a grandma; come for a visit on the stormiest day in January to read me a book; encourage, encourage; share in my joys and sorrows; wear the red ALS wrist band
Why? - a question that Rodji (the caregiver) hates
Why - did it happen to me? I don’t dwell on it
Water - to eagerly drink up a gigantic glass all the way
Zsuzsi: my given name
The end – but it isn’t over yet
_______________________________________
Translated by Rina Shapira
Original post in 1. אסוציאציות מ-א עד ת
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